


Barney Miller - Hunter mashup

by JiniZ



Series: 15 Year Old Me Was An Idiot [12]
Category: Barney Miller (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-17
Updated: 2014-06-17
Packaged: 2018-02-05 02:09:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1801513
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JiniZ/pseuds/JiniZ
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Barney Miller/Hunter mashup. </p><p>So, a slight reboot from the other Jules Tyler pieces. Jules & Wojo haven’t gotten together yet, and I think it’s a whole other timeline. It seems like I took an episode of Hunter and made it fit the Barney Miller characters.  </p><p>Danny Vermin is a character in the movie “Johnny Dangerously.” Again, go see it!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Barney Miller - Hunter mashup

Barney Miller  
Jules Tyler (Stepfanie Kramer)

I was at my desk when Barney said, “Jules…you and Chano. There’s been a bombing at a cemetary.”

“What cemetary?” I asked. 

“St. Andrews.”

I grabbed my leather jacket, tossed Chano his, and said “I’m driving.”

When we got there, I quickly fastened my badge to the zipper on the upper pocket. I saw Lt. Saunders from the bomb squad. I looked at the fallen stones. “Those three colomns were the center of the blast, right?” I asked him.

“Yeah with the…”

“Angel,” I finished for him.

“Right. It held up pretty good concidering the ammount of stuff used.”

“Thanks.” I walked over to the fallen angel. I knelt beside it and muttered, “He got ya, Rob.”

“Pardon,” Chano asked.

“I picked out this angel.”

“I’m sorry,” Chano said sympathetically.

I stood up, turned to Chano and said “Come on. We gotta find out when Miami let Danny Vermin out.”

“Vermin? I thought he was doing 10-20 on those Jacksonville bombings.”

“Time flies.”

We got the info on Vermin and we took it to Barney. We had to go up the back way becos of the reporters who were looking for answers. We presented the paper to Barney.” Danny Vermin was the one who bombed the cemetary, Barn,” I said. 

“He was let out of Miami two weeks ago,” Chano said.

“I arrested him on a DWI,” I said. “Then I found out he was wanted in Florida for the bombings.”

“But how can you be so sure it’s him,” Barney asked. 

“He’s had it out for me ever since I arrested him. The grave he blew up was my fiancee’s.”

“I’m sorry,” Barney said. 

“Hey, it’s okay…But, listen, if you’ll let us, we’ll go investigate Vermin.”

“Sure. Just be careful.”

“Okay, Barn,” Chano said. “This time I’m driving.”

When we got there, we noticed one of those doors where you have to call the person you want to see, they buzz you in. I picked up the phone.”

“Do you think he’s really gona let you in? We don’t have a warrent.”

I put the phone back. Chano looked at the iron gate. “You know, this gate might be a fire hazzard. How would the fire dpt. get in?

“Anyway they could.”

“Exactly.” He produced a lock pick. “You know, Jules, you think lock picking is a god-given talent.” He started to pick the lock on the gate. He wasn’t doing too well, so I took my own pick out of my pocket book and proceeded to pick the lock on the small box off to the side. While I was doing so, I noticed a sign that said “Beware of Dog.” I had the door of the box open w/in seconds. I took out the key and handed it to Chano.

“This might help,” I said.

“Very funny, Jules. You’re a real riot.” 

As he opened the door I said “Careful of the dog.”

“What dog?”

“That dog,” I said pointing to the Doberman running towards us. Chano stood behind me, cowering at the sight of the dog. It barked at us, so I took off my shades and snarled at it. It ran off. “Lousy watchdog,” I muttered as I put my shades back on. 

We went to Vermin’s room. I knocked on the door. “Vermin, open up!” The heavy door was open, but the screen door was closed, so I saw him run into the next room. I tried the door, but it was locked. I kicked in the screen and unlocked the door. I tried the door Vermin went in, but he locked it. Chano pulled his gun on the woman who was in the living room. I heard glass shatter, and knew he jumped out the window. 

I ran after him. I heard the dog bar, and then it was silent again. When I cought up w/Vermin, he was lying on his stomach, the dog was sitting on his back. “Maybe I was wrong about you,” I said to the dog. 

“Tyler! Get this dog off of me!”

“Fear of dogs?” I asked putting the cuffs on him.

Chano came down with the lady, and we took them to the precinct.

 

“I’m Mr. Vermin’s lawyer,” she said. “Mr. Vermin had a feeling he’d be sought after by you, Miss Tyler. It seems he was right. I wonder what we could charge you with. Harrassment, breaking & entering…”

“What about you,” I countered. “You know your duties. Why didn’t you identify yourself?”

“I wanted to see how far you’d go with violating Mr. Vermin’s rights.” I side glanced at Vermin who had a smug look on his face. 

“We’re sorry for the inconvenience,” Barney said. “You’re both free to go.” They left and Barney said “Why didn’t you check to see who she was?”

“She wouldn’t tell us, Barn,” Chano said. 

“I’m positive it’s Vermin who did it,” I said. “And to prove it, I’d like to have him under survailence for two weeks.”

“You said two? I’ll give you one,” Barney said.

So, Chano and I followed t his guy for four days and nothin’. Until…he went to a restaurant w/a lunch box. Cogan followed him. “He went to the john,” he informed us.

We saw him come out, only w/out the lunch box. “Oh, jeeze,” I said. “Just like Jacksonville…Calling all units, we’re going in.”

The bomb squad evacuated everybody and Taylor and Jones and I went into the bathroom. Jones scanned the box w/an infrared scanner. Nothing. “Must be in the thermos,” I said. Taylor worked carefully. He opened the box, and carefully removed the thermos. I waited with bated breath as Taylor unscrewed the top of the thermos. Nothing. Next came the smaller part of the thermos. “Yeah,” I asked.

“How’d ya like your coffee?” he asked.

I sighed and left to go find Vermin.

 

“I’m at least entitled to one phone call,” he said.

“Go ahead,” Chano said as he pointed to the hone on his desk. 

Vermin picked it up and dialed. “Busy. Well, if at first you don’t succeed…” He hung up and dialed again. “Still busy.” He hung up. 

Everybody in the precinct had become more or less involved in this case. “What was the idea of scaring us like that, Vermin?” Wojo asked.

“How would you like it if you were being followed?” Vermin answered.

The phone on my desk rang. “12th precinct, Tyler,” I said really hostilly. “What? Oh, Jesus! Thanks.” I hung up.

“What is it,” Chano asked. 

“The D.A.’s office has been bombed.”

“See? How could I’ve done it if you had me in coustady,” Vermin asked all too confidently.

“Well, then, I guess you’re free to go,” Barney said. 

Just before Vermin left, he leaned in close enough for me alone to hear, “If you want some answers, meet me at St. Andrews in one hour.”

 

Thank god I showed up before him. I had just enough time to set up my tape player. I set a boquet of flowers near a grave, took out a mini-recorder, and hit it carefully in the flowers. I pushed my Ray-Ban’s up my nose, and took a seat on the grass under a tree. A couple minutes later, Vermin showed up in his usual jeans, t-shirt, and leather jacket. I stood up and brushed the seat of my jeans off. I straightened out my oversized blazer and lifted my shades up so they rested on my head. My bangs fell back into place. 

“Where’s the wire,” he asked.

“What wire?”

“Come on, Tyler, where’s the wire?”

“You can search me if you want.” He did. “Don’t enjoy yourself too much, Vermin.”

“Don’t worry about it.” 

When he was satisfied I didn’t have a wire, I asked, “So, how’d ya do it, Dan?”

“The same way I did the Chester A. Arthur H.S.”

“I’m not familiar with that one,” I admitted.

“That’s becos it hasn’t happened yet.”

“What?”

“That’s right. At exactly 3 o’clock when the bell goes off, the bomb goes off.”

I looked at my watch: 2:30. I grabbed Vermin’s arm and said “Come on. We’re goin’ in.”

“Why for?”

I picked the recorder up from out of the plants. 

“You lied to me!”

“All part of the job.” It must have looked pretty funny to see me dragging him to the car. He’s about a foot taller than me, and really tough looking. I may not LOOK touch, but I AM tough.

 

When I got to the school, Chano, the whole bomb squad, and Wojo were there. All the kids were held back by police lines on the other side of the street. I talked to Wojo while Chano watched over Vermin. “I’m gona find out where it is,” I was saying. 

“How ya gona do it?” Wojo asked.

“I’ve got my ways,” I said. “I might not come out alive, but by gosh, I’ll find out.”

“Maybe not alive?” He asked in disbelief. I nodded. “Hey, just in case you don’t, I want you to know that I’ve always admired you from afar.”

“What?” He nodded. “Does the word ‘smitten’ mean anything to you?”

“Huh?”

“In other words, me too.” Nothing was said. Nothing was needed to be said. “Uh, look…” I said breaking the silence, “I’m going in there w/Vermin.”

“What?”

“Yeah. Have to.”

“But wh…”

I cut him off by putting my finger on his lips. “Don’t worry about it.”

“I’ll worry. Trust me, I’ll worry.” We hugged each other. When we pulled apart he said, “Be careful.”

“W/an 88 Magnum under my jacket, I will be.”

 

Once inside, I instructed Taylor’s men to leave. “Okay, Vermin, where is it?”

“In the building somewhere.”

“I can wait it out.” I looked at my watch: 2:50. 

“I’ll tell you after I call my lawyer.” 

So, I put a quarter in the thing, and dialed for him. “Busy,” he said. I tried again. “Still busy.”

I had no idea that he was lying to me at that time. “So wehre is it?”

“I’ve changed my mind.”

“Like I said, I can wait.” I uncuffed one of the cuffs, and attached it to a locker ring. He got slightly nervous.

“It’s in a locker.”

“Number and combonation.”

“Never.”

“Well, then we’ll go together.” I said as I side-glanced at the clock in the hall: 2:55. I started to walk away from him.

“Tyler!” He called. I kept going. “All right, Tyler! I’ll tell you!”

I turned around. We stared at each other for the remaining 3 ½ minutes. The bell rang. Nothing. Vermin started to laugh a demonical laugh. Duped again. “You really are scum, Vermin, you know that?”

“I try.”

We found out later that Judge Petrie’s office had been bombed. 

 

Back at the station, the phone on Wojo’s desk rang. He answered and I listened. “You, Tyler. It’s Vermin’s lawyer.”

I took the phone from him. “Hello?...Uh…I guess so. Wait a sec. I covered the phone with my hand. “Barn?”

He came out of his office. “Yeah, Tyler?”

“It’s Vermin’s lawyer. Sez she’s got something for me. ‘S’okay if I take off for a while?”

“Yeah. Sure. If it’s about Vermin, go ahead.”

So, I met “Ms.” King in the restaurant across the street.

“I just wanted to tell you,” she started off, “That I’ve quit my job.”

Shocker. “What?”

“I quit my job becos I felt I was w/holding information from you.”

“Once again for those of us who are new in this country.”

Her story unfolded: “I was at Vermin’s today. Told me what happened. You’re really pressin’ your luck, a know that?” I nodded. “Anyway, I asked if I could use the phone. He let me. So, as I was dialing, I cought the phone book out of the corner of my eye. When he knew I was looking at it, he jumped up and took the book away. There was an ad circled in red ink. I remembered it and wrote it down.”

She handed me a piece of paper w/an address and the company; Spee Dee Delivery Service, Old Chesla station, etc….The light bulb went on. He sent them by packages! I thanked Ms. King, and quickly drove to Spee Dee Delivery.

 

“May I help you?” The lady behind the desk asked. 

“Uh, yes. I’d like to know if you sent a package to the D.A.’s office on January 6.”

“I’m sorry, but we don’t give out information on people of high standings.” I pulled out my badge. “Oh. I’m sorry. I’ll let you know in a second.” She checked the computer. “No. I’m sorry. No pkg on the 6th.”

“Well, how ‘bout to Judge Petrie’s house or office or whatever on the 9th?”

She checked. “Yes. Here we go.”

I looked at the computer and saw the client: Tyler Enterprises. I scanned the printout, and saw the last entry: Stanly Wotchohowitz.

“Thank you, you’ve been a BIG help.” I went off to Wojo’s house.

 

I wired to Barney to get Vermin in coustady. We’d finally gotten him. I put the siren on the car, and cranked my DeLorean as high as it would go. (( only used it off duty, but when I went to the delivery place, I was off duty [gotta be careful w/it!])

I got there and tried the door: locked. “Wojo! Wojo! Open up!”

“Just a minute, Tyler. I’m on the phone.”

I pounded on the door. “Open up!” I could see that he wasn’t going to open it, so I shot the lock off and opened the door, only to be stopped by the chain lock. I ramed the door as hard as I could and the lock broke. 

He had just hung up the phone. “What are you…?” He started. 

“The package you got! Where is it?”

He pointed to the table. I grabbed it, and threw it out the window on his lawn. But before it hit the ground, the phone rang, and the package exploded. He didn’t know what was in the pkg, so Ipushed him in the corner and covered him with my body. 

When the bomb exploded, the top pane of the window shattered, and a piece of glass cought me in the arm. When I figured it was safe, I stood up, and looked at my arm. There was a good-sized hunk of glass lodged in my left upper-arm. Wojo stood up and saw my arm. My coat was becoming blood-stained and my arm hurt like hell. I winced as I yanked the glass out of my arm. I examined the bloody piece, threw it to the floor, and gripped the laceration. I showed no pain.

Wojo looked down in disbelief at me. “How’d you know?”

“King. She told me about an address she found in his phone book…Spee Dee Delivery.” 

He looked at my arm. Blood was starting to ooze from between my fingers. Wojo got the phone and called the paramedics. “Doesn’t it hurt?” he asked.

“Like a bitch…but show no fear, show no pain.”

“Sounds like good advice. Who said it?”

“Garfield the cat before and after an encounter with a dog.”

He gave a small laugh. I removed my job, and ripped the left arm off my shirt. The cut was pretty big. “Bet I’ll have to get stitches.”I deadpanned. I wiped my hand of blood on the sleeve, and the pressed it against the cut. It was really rude looking. Not as bad as swallowing Draino, like the guy in “Mother’s Day,” but it was rude enough. 

The paramedics came and fixed the arm (6 stitches) and when they left, Wojo suddenly turned to me and kissed me. “Just picking up where we left off,” he said when we pulled apart. I said nothing. He took it offensively “I shouldn’t have done it.”

“Yes, you should’ve. But why’d you stop?”

That provoked him. (We won’t go into details.)

 

The next day, I went to visit Vermin in the slammer. “Hey, Vermin, how ya doin’?”

“Tyler! You can’t send me back to Miami! You go crazy down there! The cells are SMALL!” He diagramed with his fingers a 2” by 2” room. “And there’s no body to talk to. It’s lonely! No…You’re never alone. The lizzards and snakes come through the windows. It’s enough to make a man go crazy! Don’t send me back there!”

“Actually, Vermin, we’re doing everything possible to send you to the California state gas chamber.” I noticed the look of horror on his face. “You’re a sick man, Vermin. You need help.”

I pivited and walked off casually down the hallway. The last words I ever heard from him were the shrieks of my last name, trying to call me back.

THE END

(The phone calls set off the bombs. Phone rings at two seperate times, the place goes up. The D.A. and Judge Petrie were the guys who sent him back to Miami.)


End file.
